Relationship Questions - 10/4/07

Question 1: After starting to date, when is it appropriate to have a discussion about the relationship status, or to inquire about the other person's intentions?

Before you start dating! A conversation should exist about what each person's intentions are before you go out with them. Some people are looking to date because they want a variety or relationships/friendships. Others date because they are looking for someone to be exclusive with. So before you start dating you should know if this is just for fun or for exploring possibilities.

If you have started to date someone with out having this discussion then you should have the discussion as soon as you feel like you want something more serious. The sooner the better because a lot of people feel that since they invested a certain amount of time to dating someone, they are entitled to a title, which is not true. The earlier you speak up the better it is for both parties. If you want something serious and he/she doesn't, then it's up to you to decide whether you want to continue to just date or move on and look for the title and commitment you are looking for. The wrong thing to do is to think you are going to wear someone down into being committed to you. That is just wrong.

Question 3: How do you get a person who is not used to verbally expressing their emotions to open up?

85% of communication is non-verbal. So if a person expresses themselves in other ways then you may have to adapt a little to the ways in which they express themselves, while working and building on a comfort level that allows for more explicit forms of emotions. The age old adage that actions speak louder than words is something you may have to internalize. If the person does not say they love you, do they show you that they love you? Be careful not to look for words with out meaning just for the sake of hearing it. Knowing the words are true provides a more solid foundation in which you can build upon.

Question 3: I started dating a childhood friend who initially was very eager to text and talk with me. All of a sudden he seems uninterested in this communication to the point where he barely responds when I try to make contact with him. Why the sudden shift in behavior?

You know why there is a sudden shift in behavior. When a person does not pick up his/her phone it is because they do not want to talk. If they do not respond to text it is because they do not want to communicate. I will not fill your head with fluff about being busy, or confused about things because that isn't the case. The way a person is as a friend and the way a person is as a companion changes if he/she may not be interested in making the shift. Rather than hurting your feelings, they are avoiding you.

physically intimate

Question: My boyfriend and I decided to become more physically intimate. Although I enjoyed the closeness, the experience did very little for me physically. How do I approach this issue without hurting his feelings or his ego?

RESPONSE: Sex has two purposes - physical pleasure and intimacy. It's a lot better when you have them both. I don't know exactly what you mean by "more physically intimate" but I do know this, men are not mind readers and if you are comfortable with your lover, shout YES I LIKE THIS!, or NOOOO! DO IT LIKE THIS! You have to make sure you get what you want out of sex. If you teach him how to please you physically by showing him, then it will not only blow your mind, it will blow his as well...no pun intended. I would say to communicate physically and speak up during sex. Sex is not good because of the art of silence. Point, lick, suck, or poke him in the right direction! The only way you can address this without hurting his ego is to work on a solution, not to say baby, there is a problem. When you express what you don't like you have to supply him with what you do like. It's not fair to leave him to feel inadequate poking around the forest without a map.

P.S. If you don't know what makes you feel good he won't either. So, you may need to tutor yourself….

-TYEARtv.com

"ASK TYEAR" 9.24.07

Question 1: " Most men seem to have a strong aversion to women they see as gold-diggers, but why is it that women who have ambition and are self-sufficient, seem to appeal to them even less?"

Question 2: " I met a man several months ago and with whom I hit it off very well. During our conversation, it felt like we had known each other for years and were getting reacquainted as opposed to just meeting for the first time. Within a couple of months, he started talking about how he felt I was the woman who was going to be his wife. I've heard this before from men I dated and they turned out to be wrong. How do I know if this man for real?"

Question 3: " I have been dating a man for several months and lately our interactions have begun to revolve around him due to extra demands in his life. In spite of the fact that I work hard to modify things to suit his scheduling demands, moods and temperament, he talks about feeling unimportant to me. I thought my actions to go more than half-way to meet him were evidence of how important he is to me, but it doesn't seem to come across to him in that fashion. What have I missed?"

Answer: What you have missed is your feelings in this situation. You often find women excited at the prospects of a man willing to marry them or call them wife without considering if it is something he deserves. Just because a man says they can see you as their wife does not mean that you have to have the same vision. What you are pointing out are flaws and insecurities on your partners behalf. If you haven't had a one on one that says these are the things I do for "us" so that we can work out, then it is time. If he doesn't see the value in it or it is not enough for him, then you need to find out what specifically it is that he needs or wants and if you are able or willing to accommodate them. Some key things to think about are can you deal with him questioning your level of commitment and for how long? Do you see a husband in this man outside of the fact that he can see a wife in you? -Tyear

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What you have missed is your feelings in this situation. You often
find women excited at the prospects of a man willing to marry them or
call them wife without considering if it is something he deserves.
Just because a man says they can see you as their wife does not mean
that you have to have the same vision. What you are pointing out are
flaws and insecurities on your partners behalf. If you haven't had a
one on one that says these are the things I do for "us" so that we
can work out, then it is time. If he doesn't see the value in it, or
it is not enough for him you need to find out what specifically it
is that he needs or wants, and if you are able or willing to
accommodate them. Some key things to think about are can you deal
with him questioning your level of commitment and for how long? Do
you see a husband in this man outside of the fact that he can see a
wife in you?